Everything You Need To Know About Twin Peaks: Season One and Two
by Rusty Spell

After twenty-five years, Twin Peaks is finally getting a season three. But if you don't have time to watch the first two seasons, you're in luck! Just read this handy synopsis of the most important events that you need to know before jumping in.

Pilot

Unbeknownst to Hedi, a German waitress at the Double R Diner who is arriving late because she couldn't get her car started, the homecoming queen has been murdered. State trooper G. McMickle informs the homecoming queen's teacher, Margaret Honeycutt, of the news. Principal George Wolchezk springs into action, making an impassioned speech about his student's death on the high school's intercom system. He then dismisses classes for the day.

Meanwhile, at the Packard sawmill, a worker named Fred Truax is fired during an argument over whether or not to shut the mill down for the day.

But the homecoming queen wasn't the only victim of the killer, and Fred wasn't the only worker affected that day. A surviving victim crosses a bridge, her dazed and bruised appearance prompting a bridge worker to say "What the hell?" She is later treated by Doctor Louise Shelvy, a coma expert.

Over at the morgue, an attendant named Jim assists the investigation of the homecoming queen's murder conducted by an FBI agent and the town sheriff. They later find an important clue in her diary when they learn that the dead girl hated asparagus and considers this a sign that she will never grow up. Later, at the bank, the investigators are assisted by employee Alice Brady.

Wistfully, a teenager named Harriet Hayward writes a poem.

Season One

We begin the season proper by learning that the FBI agent investigating the murder of the homecoming queen is an unreliable conspiracy theorist. We later learn that he also believes in the pseudoscience of graphology. The agent receives an autopsy report on the dead homecoming queen from Joe Fielding.

Meanwhile, we learn that the homecoming queen's best friend is in love with her secret boyfriend, a biker. They meet at her parents' house where the mother offers the biker soft drinks, fruit punch, or sparkling cider. The biker really wants a soft drink, probably, but he's shy around the parents and doesn't want to say any more than he needs, so he doesn't get the soft drink because he would have to specify which kind. He also isn't going to get the sparkling cider, since that seems to weird or fancy or something. So he defaults to fruit punch, adding that it would "be great."

The FBI agent encounters his most cryptic clue: a note slipped under his door that only says "Jack with One Eye." Fortunately, the local law enforcement are able to help with this puzzling clue, and the team -- after combining their brain power -- figure out that this must be referring to a Canadian casino called One-Eyed Jacks.

The sheriff attends the homecoming queen's funeral when his deputy says "it's time." The dead girl's boyfriend, who we earlier learned was not afraid of funerals, nearly solves the case at the funeral when he accuses the entire town of killing his girlfriend, but we later learn that this was something of an overstatement. He spots his girlfriend's secret boyfriend at the funeral and thinks that he is dead also, but he is wrong.

At the Double R, the two waitresses (not Heidi) plan for a day at the spa. A couple plays tennis in the dark. One the older mill workers is preparing to compete in a fishing tournament. A waitress's husband is found to enjoy dominos.

The homecoming queen's identical cousin has shown up in town, and she gets her cousin's secret boyfriend to order her a cherry coke. But she leaves the diner before drinking it. This is when the two waitresses appear, having had their day of beauty at the spa.

At Horne's Department Store, Theodora Ridgely refuses to buy perfume from the daughter of the store's owner, but the daughter thanks the would-be customer anyway. Her co-worker, Jenny, is not impressed with the new unicorn she received from her supervisor, Emory Battis. Later, a hunchback will sew a playing card onto the daughter's dress.

An insurance agent, Mr. Neff, an ambitious man, meets with the woman running the mill and devotes himself to her. Elsewhere, a woman with a patch enjoys a drink of water from ribbed plastic cups. We are no closer to solving all these mysteries.

Season Two, Part One

To set the tone of season two, the identical cousin of the homecoming queen breaks her glasses in a fit of rage.

The homecoming queen's best friend's little sister, Gersten, has just gotten the part of the fairy princess in the school play and is proud of her special dress. She is also proud that she has earned the highest test scores in English and math.

In a flashback, we see that a man with long hair and a jean jacket is the murderer of the homecoming queen, which makes it confusing that so many fans of the show still wanted to know who the killer was. Perhaps they didn't see this episode. (In the very next episode, we learn that the killer lived next door to the homecoming queen's father's grandfather's summer home when he was a little boy.) All they have to do is find him.

A woman in the Double R diner is scolded for leaving her gum on the counter. We learn about orchids and how Europeans hold their forks.  We learn that the FBI man does not approve of murder.

The owner of Horne's Department Store and the Great Northern Hotel has committed himself to impressing the travel writer M.T. Wentz, who hotel employee Louie "Birdsong" Budway has informed him is arriving in town. He asks her for hourly updates. The entire town is abuzz with news of Wentz. The waitress at the Double R diner (who is also the owner) and her husband splurge on new tablecloths, flowers, and candles. When a stranger enters the diner, the couple try to make everything perfect for him, in case he is the travel writer. The husband even steals his wallet.

The homecoming queen's father has been acting in an insane manner since the murder of his daughter, and he ends up murdering someone himself. A judge comes to town and rules that he's okay, though, so nothing happens to him. In a later episode, the father attempts to show the FBI man yet another body that he has murdered, but the FBI man says "Perhaps another time."

The homecoming queen's best friend meets a young agoraphobic who explains to her that he didn't actually grow up in Boston. He grew up in books. She then tells him about the time that she and the homecoming queen -- when they were barely-pubescent minors -- skinny-dipped and make out with twenty-one-year-old men. The agoraphobic called the story "beautiful."

More murder and violence continue as the FBI agent punches a woman in the stomach, and a sheriff's deputy murders a man by throwing a knife into his back.

The owner of the Double R is visited by her mother, Vivian, who introduces her new husband, who she met at a Republican fundraiser. But perhaps she isn't what she seems! A clue is that she does not like her daughter's omelets.

We learn that the FBI man changes his mind about not approving of murder, since -- when the homecoming queen's father is dying after having killed four people -- the FBI man seems to think that the father belongs in a nice afterlife. He also suggests that believing in the supernatural is better than believing in reality, because one is more comforting than the other. The FBI agent's journey toward delusion is nearly complete.

Season Two, Part Two

This is, by far, the most interesting part of the entire series.

The FBI man assures the homecoming queen's mother that her now-dead husband didn't actually do anything wrong, that some sort of bogeyman was responsible instead for all the murders and rapes. Apparently, everyone else believes this too, since the entire town has turned up for the murderer's wake. Most attendants are in jovial spirits, the owner of the Double R's husband being particularly interested in the Waldorf salad. We are introduced to Dougie Milford, who we later learn, from a novel based on the TV show, is the most important person in town and possibly in the country.

But there's trouble. The FBI man is suspended and will soon begin his flannel-wearing period, which most fans agree is his best period.

Finally, we learn the true identity of M.T. Wentz. We learn this when the Double R Diner gets a bad review. M.T. Wentz is actually the owner's mother! Now that this mystery was resolved, many fans would have surely tuned out had it not been for the new and creative developments already being introduced, including the fan favorite storyline of the biker and the rich girl, which I don't want to spoil here by writing about any of it. You just have to see it for yourself, even if those are the only parts of season two that you watch.

I can, however, talk about one of the deputies and his friend hanging out with a little boy who they think is the devil. After a series of events, it turns out he is almost definitely not.

Because a woman with an eye patch was able to thow a man twenty feet into the air, the wrestling coach gives an inspiring speech, then introduces her as the newest member of the team. Even though she is a middle-aged woman, she now goes to the high school and will soon be sleeping with a teenage boy. It is not certain which one is being taken advantage of.

The owner of the Great Northern Hotel embraces his racist roots by fantasizing that he is a civil war general.

The FBI agent is blamed for all the trouble in the town (including the death of his two brothers) by a man who sounds like Yogi Bear. But the FBI man kills Yogi also, the third brother, and the FBI man now has his former partner to worry about, a partner who seems even crazier than he is, especially since he wears lots of funny disguises and acts like the Gene Hackman version of Lex Luthor. For example, he begins playing a chess game that results in a murder of a person for each piece taken. The FBI man explains that his partner will strictly follow the rules of this twisted game. The agent gets help for this chess game from a local fisherman, who enjoys making breakfast in the shape of a dog's face for his brother-in-law.

Wrapping up this part of the season, the daughter of the owner of the Great Northern Hotel falls in love with a man because he looks like a cowboy. A man named Eckhardt does not believe in ghosts. The sheriff has a psychobilly freakout when his girlfriend refuses to put a gun down, and then she loses all her body weight and dies. She is instantly reincarnated as a computer-generated wooden drawer pull. Television is never the same.

Season Two, Part Three

Although the scene featuring spirit-possessed bedside furniture ended the series's greatest run of subplots (the sheriff's evil girlfriend, the devil child, the civil war general, and especially the biker and the rich girl), we still have wrestling star eye patch lady to hang on to, and we also get the repercussions of the dead sheriff's girlfriend when he has even more dramatic freakouts, since he doesn't cope well with her death. We also get the addition of the Double R's owner's sister, who was a nun but is now immediately in love with the FBI agent, who loses his mind even more as a result of being in love with her. The FBI agent's chess-playing partner gives flute lessons in a cabin.

An old friend of the homecoming queen's best friend's father visits the best friend. His name is Gerald Craig. It is a very touching scene. But is he who we think he is?

A deputy and the receptionist learn to play chess. The cowboy sings "On Top of Spaghetti" as part of his ongoing charm.

The biggest new plotline is now the upcoming Twin Peaks pageant. Everyone wants to enter. There is also a fashion show, which ends when a pine weasel has a camera strapped to his head, creating the "weasel-cam." In the commotion, the cowboy manages to charm his girlfriend again. He will surely sleep with her soon, even though she is squeamish about sex.

We learn that there is a substance you can put on your lips that, when you kiss someone, makes you look like the person you kissed's dead lover. We also learn that if you're going to bring a hammer, you better bring some nails, which -- as it turns out -- means that you shouldn't flirt if you don't want to have sex. (It's actually not a very nice thing to say to someone.)

The FBI man returns to the FBI, ending the flannel era of this show. Oh well. Boring old suits again.

Randy St. Croix, a hotel employee, finds out that the teenage boy thought that the sex he had in the hotel with the old lady with the eye patch was "unbelievable."

Edward Perkins teaches us about poetry. But perhaps he isn't who he seems to be either.

The Miss Twin Peaks pageant is in full swing, and we even get to hear what the judges consider an ideal Miss Twin Peaks. And we later get to see the contestants work through drafts of their speech. And then the show's audience is treated to a wine-tasting event.

The cowboy charms the FBI man as they discuss love, but then his partner is murdered. The homecoming queen's father is dead, so we assume he isn't the murderer for once. He's pretty broken up about it and is in a hurry to leave, but that doesn't stop him from having sex with a teenager in his airplane.

Meanwhile, the super-serious chess game that the FBI man's partner began, the one that followed strict rules that the partner would dare not break, has been completely discarded. The new game is that whoever wins the Miss Twin Peaks contest will be taken into another dimension and murdered. Even if the sheriff's receptionist wins, even if the new girl in town with a southern accent wins--this is what will happen. The nun is the winner.

A special key is placed in the cake saver, but then it helps kill many people.

In the show's finale, the homecoming queen's father, from beyond the grave, lies to the FBI man, saying that he did not kill anyone. The FBI man completely loses his mind.