Rusty's Movie Pre-Judgments
by Rusty W. Spell

I haven't seen any of these movies I'm about to review. My judgments (or pre-judgments, if you will) are based mostly on the movie trailers, which I feel I am very good at reading. Why waste time and money seeing bad movies, when you can simply read Rusty's Movie Pre-Judgments? I'll tell you the ones to see. This is by far the most useful movie-review-related page in the entirety of media.

The movies are sorted by release date. I write the reviews as early as a month in advance ("coming soon") or as late as a few days in advance, so be sure to read the "Now Playing" section the week the movies come out to see them all.

Click here for the archives or use the search box below.

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COMING SOON

NOW PLAYING

18 Feb 2011

Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son -- At least the title knows plural vs. possessive.

Brotherhood -- Something tells me this movie, too, will not steer anyone from going Greek this fall.

Even the Rain -- This is almost what Herzog would do if he were political (and less talented) instead of mythological.  Kind of interesting, but don't be in too big a hurry.

I Am -- Director Tom Shadyac has made a lot of Christian movies (Liar Liar, Patch Adams, Dragonfly, Bruce Almighty, Evan Almighty) and this -- his first documentary -- seems like he's going whole hog this time, not dressing it up with goofy comedy, but instead a more humanist message comes across.  Shadyac might see this message from a Christian point of view, but that's not what most of the talking heads in the movie are saying.  I'm not sure if this is necessarily worth watching or not, but it's better than a lot of recent documentaries, and certainly more inspirational than some of the movies that attempt to inspire from a Christian perspective.

I Am Number Four -- Twice as bad as a number two.

Immigration Tango -- In order to stay in the country, two couples have to switch partners in order to zzzzzzzzzz.

Unknown -- Another run-of-the-mill "they stole my identity" movie, featuring lines like "Do I know you?", "Is this some kind of joke?", and "Arrest this man."

Vanishing on 7th Street -- One of those movies where everyone huddles together to survive, one of them being John Leguizamo.

11 Feb 2011

Cedar Rapids -- Starts promising, settles in nicely, gets bad, gets boring, but you don't mind finishing it.  These actors on cruise control is still pretty decent.

The Eagle -- Another stupid bull-honk war thing.

Gnomeo and Juliet -- Go watch Bambi.  How many times do I have to tell you, Disney?

Just Go With It -- One of the "not good" Adam Sandler movies.  Just so you know, for me, stuff like Happy Gilmore and The Waterboy is the good stuff.

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never -- The story of how a cute little boy with actual musical talent watches too much TV and aspires to be a famous nothing.  Once this all blows over, I hope he comes out the other side, doing what God put him here to actually do.

4 Feb 2011

Cold Weather -- The dream of the 90s is alive in Portland.

The Other Woman -- Abhorrent.  Maybe worst movie of the year so far.

The Roommate -- Exploits the fear of the evil roommate even more than that one episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  By the way, why didn't Buffy just room with Willow to begin with?

Sanctum -- Nothing more claustrophobic than being underwater in a subterranean cave with very annoying characters.

28 Jan 2011

Biutiful -- What's that word?  Bi-you... ah, it's beautiful.  Oh, then this movie must be the same.  No.

From Prada to Nada -- Well, at least the rhyming title has slightly extra meaning since the cast is Mexican.  This movie is the Hispanic version of that Paris Hilton reality show.  Of course we learn the lesson that money isn't everything and makes you shallow, family is important, the scruffy guy with a big heart is the one to be with, etc.  But brown this time.

Kaboom -- Gregg Araki gives us the same version of gayness and youth culture that he did in the 90s.  He's over 50 now.  This one has an end-of-world sub-plot (or is the college screwing-around stuff the sub-plot?).

The Mechanic -- Jason Statham plays the same annoying killer dude over and over.  File under "Things Rusty Doesn't Like To Watch."

The Rite -- People have been trying to recapture the magic of The Exorcist for decades.  This doesn't, but it comes closer than many.  As usual, the emphasis on the crazy stuff is the downfall, as is the contemporary need to use computer effects for facial features, etc., instead of a more scary effect that acting and basic face-making could achieve.  Luckily, however, the exorcism itself isn't the major attraction of the film.  Skepticism/belief as a theme is a tired old idea, too, but Anthony Hopkins and the young dude they got dust it off well.  I enjoyed it as a not-as-stupid-as-usual horror movie with a little bit of brains.

21 Jan 2011

The Company Men -- Old guys in suits and hard hats: the movie.

No Strings Attached -- Stop being obsessed with these things.

The Way Back -- Harsh conditions: the movie.  But worth watching if you're stuck in your dentist's waiting room or something.

14 Jan 2011

Barney's Version -- And with this, let Giamatti return to things like Big Momma's House.  We're done.  You've schlubbed your last schlub.

The Dilemma -- A thin premised stretched out to a feature length.  Incredibly beautiful women in their late thirties who look twenty-one married to chunky dudes who look older than their age.  The usual gay jokes.

The Green Hornet -- This is Michel Gondry's only good movie, and it's because he decided not to look like his wimpy self for this one.  The same kind of goofy fun as Iron Man, but even more goofy.

Ong Bak 3 -- Not to be confused with Ong Bak Mountain 3.

A Somewhat Gentle Man -- Stellan Skarsgård wanders around the entire movie as if he's confused by all the bad acting and scripting surrounding him--which is understandable.

7 Jan 2011

Season of the Witch -- Hey, I would be as up for a good ol' heavy metal witch movie as much as the next guy, but unfortunately this thing's pretty cheesy.  Why do people keep trying to make movies that look like Van Helsing?  Rip-offs are bad enough, but why rip off bad movies?