My 25 Least Favorite Movies
by Jason B. Bell

1. Batman & Robin
2. 2001: A Space Travesty
3. Batman Forever
4. eXistenZ
5. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace
6. Dr. Seuss's How the Grinch Stole Christmas
7. Theodore Rex
8. Superman III
9. Problem Child 2
10. Armageddon (1998)
11. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
12. Planet of the Apes (2001)
13. Timecop
14. Highlander II: The Quickening
15. Mortal Kombat
16. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
17. Halloween III: Season of the Witch
18. The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course
19. RoboCop 3
20. Grease 2
21. Independence Day (1996)
22. Short Circuit 2
23. Problem Child
24. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
25. Boxing Helena

Jason B. Bell’s Commentary

1. Batman & Robin -- Pure unwatchable torture.

2. 2001: A Space Travesty -- Leslie Neilsen's taken his career to some pretty low places since permanently falling into the role of the comedy spoof star, but this is the lowest by far.

3. Batman Forever -- I can't believe anyone thought that people actually wanted to see the Batman movies move in this direction.

4. eXistenZ -- If you can get past the whole virtual role-playing game that doesn't seem like it would be something anyone would actually want to play, you're rewarded by a lame ending that completely eliminates all character development and simply annoys with its blatant spoken-out-loud statement of the movie's "what's real or not" premise. This is the only movie that's ever provoked me to throw things at the
screen at the end.

5. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace -- Ugh.

6. Dr. Seuss’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas -- Awful. I sat through the whole movie with a blank stare on my face, thinking "Why does this have to exist?" I laughed only once. Actually... it was probably more of a "harumph" than a real "ha"-type laugh.

7. Theodore Rex -- Whoopi Goldberg in skin-tight leather being annoyingly Whoopi Goldberg-ish in a formulaic buddy cop movie that rips off Blade Runner with talking dinosaurs. Painful. Parts of it aren't appropriate for most children, not that any of it is really appropriate for anyone. Even Whoopi, with all the garbage she's starred in over the years, publicly disparaged this movie--that's how bad it is.

8. Superman III -- Why???

9. Problem Child 2 -- Apparently the first one wasn't annoying enough.

10. Armageddon (1998) -- I can't look at this movie for more than five minutes without getting motion sickness from all the constant unnecessary jump cuts in every single scene. And then there's all the incredibly stupid logical flaws with the movie. It's just a big noisy explosive piece of crap.

11. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation -- Quite an achievement, this somehow manages to have less characterization and less of a plot than the first one--or even the video game, for that matter. At least the music isn't as loud and annoying.

12. Planet of the Apes (2001) -- The movie that gives you an ending that makes you have to think about it. And, after thinking about it for a few seconds, you come to the inevitable conclusion that it's a bunch of nonsense tacked on to the end of a bad movie.

13. Timecop -- Some of the dumbest movie time-travel logic can be found here.

14. Highlander II: The Quickening -- I haven't seen the "Renegade Version" director's cut, but the original is just disappointing goofy garbage.

15. Mortal Kombat -- Paul W.S. Anderson can come up with some okay visuals in the movies he directs, but whyohwhyohwhy can't he let someone else handle things like plot and dialogue? This movie somehow manages to have a less-interesting story and less-interesting characters than the video game about people jumping around hitting each other and ripping out their spines. Oh, and there's less-exciting action, too (and none of the ultra-violence that made the game stand out from the million other similar arcade games in the first place).

16. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) -- When this started up with the police film footage and John Larroquette returning to do the extended narration, I thought this might actually turn out to be a decent updated version of the original. Then it switched to the pretty actors riding in the van with "Sweet Home Alabama" playing in order to tell us that we're in The South, and I realized it was gonna be all downhill from there.

17. Halloween III: Season of the Witch -- I don't have a big problem with them doing something not related to the original story (and that was apparently the original idea for the Halloween series), but couldn't they at least come up with something less ridiculous than evil corporate druids manufacturing Halloween masks with microchips that magically kill people when they watch a TV ad? And actually bother to make it scary? And, ugh, I have that repetitive "X more days 'til Halloween..." jingle running through my head now.

18. The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course -- It's like a sub-par fake episode of the Crocodile Hunter TV-show intercut with an episode of one of those bad syndicated action shows they air on the USA Network.

19. RoboCop 3 -- Boring and lame.

20. Grease 2 -- Lame, lame, lame.

21. Independence Day (1996) -- Lots and lots of big dumb giant dumbness.

22. Short Circuit 2 -- Annoying and lame.

23. Problem Child -- Rather annoying.

24. Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace -- I actually like this movie. But I also hate it. It's just very inconsistent, and while the good parts are fairly good, the bad parts are very, very bad.

25. Boxing Helena -- This is only ranked last on the list because I didn't see the whole movie and couldn't decide how to rank it, since what I did see of it I can't remember. (I clearly remember disliking it, and I have witnesses who know that I have seen part of it and did indeed think it was bad, but I can't remember exactly what it was that I saw.) The very fact that I must have been so terribly mentally scarred by its horribleness as to cause my brain to block it out as a defense mechanism tells me that it at least deserves a spot on this list.