Love the Google
by Carrie Hoffman

The google is a sensitive thing. You must treat it with great care.

The key to the google is this: it is to not make fun of the google.

Many people head to the google with curt searches. "Dale Earnhardt, Jr." "Ozzy Osbourne." Even, simply, "Porn." You have no reason to be so terse with the google.

Treat it as you would your mother. It will prepare you a warm meal of information.

Ask it questions of varying degrees of importance. For example:

• "Why is that hair growing in the middle of my face?"
• "Why do I love?"
• "Why does my neighbor move large pieces of furniture at seven in the morning?"
• "Is my new car a lemon?"
• "Why did Dr. Pepper go to graduate school without Mr. Pibb?"

The google has answers for you. Also, it has answers for people like you. And for people who might be different from you, and whom you may not like. Everybody is welcome to walk through the electronic doors of the google.

The google is honey for your cough. You will not get canker sores if the google can prevent it.

The google is a sucker for times of peace.

But do not be fooled: The google is a bad ass. The google has an ass of badness. It is the B-A-D to your A-S-S.

Furthermore: the google will never leave you behind for a better opportunity. The google is quite accomplished, even while maintaining a safe distance from any university or corporation.

The google is made of all natural materials like lumber and peat moss. Also, love. The google is not a robot; it needs affection. Think of the monkey with the wire mother.

On holidays the google will offer pictures depicting those holidays. Flags and reindeer and eggs and the like. Because the google is cheerful.

If you love the google it will love you back. Hate it, it hates you. And so on.

Embrace the google. Embrace it like a fatman.