Rusty's Movie Pre-Judgments
by Rusty W. Spell

I haven't seen any of these movies I'm about to review. My judgments (or pre-judgments, if you will) are based mostly on the movie trailers (and sometimes posters), which I feel I am very good at reading. Why waste time and money seeing bad movies, when you can simply read Rusty's Movie Pre-Judgments? I'll tell you the ones to see. I also (sometimes) give a "where to see" at the end of each pre-judgment, cause some movies are made for theaters, some for video, some for "stuck on a Greyhound bus," and some for not seeing ever. This is by far the most useful movie-review-related page in the entirety of media.

The movies are sorted by release date. I write the reviews as early as a month in advance ("coming soon") or as late as a few days in advance, so be sure to read the "Now Playing" section the week the movies come out to see them all.

Click here for the archives or use the search box below.

Read my article on reviews.

COMING SOON

13 Aug 2010

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World -- Edgar Wright directs Michael Cera.  I suppose that's about all you really need to know.

NOW PLAYING

30 Jul 2010

Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore -- I can't wait to see this!  Sorry: I left my computer running and someone thought they'd play a funny joke on me.

Charlie St. Cloud -- Not bad for families.

The Concert -- One day someone you barely know will rope you into watching this.  You'll remember the mediocre experience for the rest of your life, but the other person will have forgotten about it immediately.

Dinner for Schmucks -- Goes from being actually funny to being a "pizzicato comedy" (where pizzicato strings tell you that the scene is funny) and back and forth.  Almost worth seeing for the actually funny parts.

The Dry Land -- You'll never see Wilmer Valderrama so well behaved.

The Extra Man -- Kevin Kline plays his English professor stereotype again (except even more over the top again), but the movie's okay.  I wouldn't eat two bags of it, but it's okay.

Get Low -- This is a really good one.  Robert Duvall pulls on some gristle he hadn't quite chewed up from Tomorrow and Bill Murray actually decides to act again (and be somewhat lively) instead of just doing his Wes Anderson mopey dog thing.  Sissy Spacek shows up.  It's great!  It's got heart and warmth, but in a good way--not fake or "uplifting."

23 Jul 2010

Countdown to Zero -- The hopeful but improbable movie about getting rid of Frodo's ring for good.

Life During Wartime -- A sequel to Todd Solondz's Happiness and his best movie since that one.  The actors are different, but the characters remain essentially the same, and the casting is usually pretty great to get the idea across: for example, Paul Reubens plays Jon Lovitz's character.

Ramona and Beezus -- Not too horrible for girls.

Salt -- If I weren't sick of action movies, this would be a good one.

Valhalla Rising -- You'd feel better about this if it were what it looked like: a low-budget Christian movie.  But it's not... or not exactly.

16 Jul 2010

Inception -- The Dark Knight + Vanilla Sky = This Crappy Movie.  Those two movies by themselves are also crappy.  Christopher Nolan is climbing to the top position of most overrated director.

The Sorcerer's Apprentice -- Good idea for a movie, and not too badly executed, as these things go.  The theater I watched this at played the Mickey Mouse short from Fantasia before the feature, or maybe I just dreamed that.

9 Jul 2010

Despicable Me -- Read books to your kids.  You will be there for them in 3-D.

The Girl Who Played With Fire -- Artsy rape and violence, etc.  But better than most.

Great Directors -- The director presents movies in that "make you want to puke" kind of way, insisting on its art and importance while not quite getting it anyway.  Some of the directors are interesting to listen to in spite of this, while some of them only add to the puke.  David Lynch is in it.

The Kids Are All Right -- Anti-gay, pro-"traditional family" movie with an "all lesbians need is for me to knock them straight" sub-plot posing as otherwise.

Predators -- More and more, just seems like movies fall under the "cool if you're fourteen" genre.  Go, fourteen-year-olds!  The universe is yours!

[Rec] -- Pause... pause... pause... pause... long pause... jump-out-and-scare-ya!  x 100.

Winnebago Man -- Back before YouTube was the big thing, I saw the angry Winnebago guy on Austin's best cable access show, The Show With No Name.  (I didn't know he was a YouTube sensation, but apparently so.)  This movie finds him and shoots a documentary about him.  It's about the only thing worth watching this week.

2 Jul 2010

The Last Airbender -- M. Night Shayamalan does it again!  I call what he does "it" because no one else does anything quite like the ridiculous stupid odd confusing weird how did this get made into a movie kind of stuff he comes up with.  This one has so much "action" going on that at least there's not as much space as usual for head-slapping dialogue, etc.

Love Ranch -- Helen Mirren does a good job, and Joe Pesci has apparently decided to look like a 1980s Johnny Cash in this one, but director Taylor Hackford hacks it out in only the way he knows how, making everyone into a dumb stereotype or worse.

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse -- Little girls like supernatural epic war movies now?

25 Jun 2010

Grown Ups -- Basically a movie for children disguised as a movie about kids who have grown into adults.

Knight and Day -- The better of the two Mr. and Mrs. Smith rip-offs coming out this summer.

Restrepo -- I pretty much don't like watching real war stuff because it's just frustrating (and I mean that in the best way), but this is a good one if you can watch this kind of thing.

Wild Grass -- A Frenchy, cute, romantic, thrillery, crazy kooky movie.  Sometimes good, sometimes not.

18 Jun 2010

Cyrus -- A pretty funny one thanks to the stars.  And stylish enough to make it better than just another comedy.  One to rent.

8: The Mormon Proposition -- This movie proves that Mormon leaders are gays in denial or closeted, since those are the only people who want to prevent homosexuals from getting married.  A sad movie about how we got close to something good and then had it taken away by mean people.

I Am Love -- Tilda Swinton gets to be kinda sexy in this one instead of just pale and harsh.  If you can't get past how boring it is, it's not bad.

Jonah Hex -- A western comic book movie about a guy with a hole in his face (which still doesn't account for the grumbly, slurry way he talks) who gets it on with a sweaty Megan Fox (though I really should just say "Megan Fox").  It's like everything else; it won't annoy you too much.

The Killer Inside Me -- Not that it's my favorite movie or anything, but it should probably get more attention than it is.  It's a little low-budget looking, in spite of its famous actors, but the story is better than most.

Toy Story 3 -- Still not as good as those killer puppet movies (and, yes, those were horrible).

11 Jun 2010

The A-Team -- It's kind of cute and stupid, in a good way, like the show, so I give it my approval.  The problem with these kinds of movies is that they feel as episodic as the source material they're taken from.  So instead of some big sweep of a unique film, you get what amounts to a nearly-random story among potentially millions.  But just don't think about it.

Coco Chanel and Igor Stravinsky -- Two Chanel movies in a row?  Who is she, Truman Capote?  Anyway, this one has very lush colors and is pretty to look at and listen to (thanks to the language and Stravinsky's music), but boring beyond that.

Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work -- Hey, this is pretty good!  You'll have a new appreciation for Joan Rivers as a comedian, an artist, and a serious person.

The Karate Kid -- Not bad, or not as bad as you'd expect.  There's nothing wrong with it.  The kid has a certain frailty mixed with strength that seems to work.

Winter's Bone -- One of those movies that attempts to be all gritty and hillbilly-ish.  The gir's performance is good, but the rest of the folks are just doing stock characters.  The story is some kind of odd backwoods mystery (almost conspiracy theory style thing) that doesn't end up adding up to much.

4 Jun 2010

Get Him To the Greek -- Remember that rock star character from Forgetting Sarah Marshall?  I don't either, but this is a movie about him.

Killers -- This is such a rip-off that it doesn't even feel like one.  I wish it were, then we might have something interesting to watch.

Marmaduke -- "Hey, the new Marmaduke!"  But wait!  It's not Marmaduke at all.  Do you remember Marmaduke talking or even thinking in the comic strip?  No?  Well, he does here, complete with lip movement.  And so do tons of other dogs and cats.  They also dance.  And say things like "This conversation is over."  It's got Fergie talking for a dog.  That's what we like Fergie for, right?  We like to hear her talk while not being able to see her body.  One other fact of note: when Rousseau was the age of this movie's target audience, his father was reading Sir Walter Scott with him.

Ondine -- I liked this one pretty good.  It's like a serious version of Splash (though she's not a mermaid) and more "realistic" (and better).  It's small in a good way, with good fantasy elements.

Splice -- Yet another anti-science horror movie.

28 May 2010

Mimacs -- Jean-Pierre Jeunet is like if Terry Gilliam knew what he were doing (and spoke French).  If you've liked Jeunet's previous zany movies (especially The City of Lost Children, which this is closest to), then this will appeal to you.  It's fun and fun to look at.  (Though, I'll admit, for me it gets a little tiresome.)

Prince of Persia: Sands of Time -- Take The Pirates of the Caribbean and replace the water with sand.  Throw in some Mummy stuff and add a thick filter of gold that is meant to hide the lack of substance.

Sex and the City 2 -- This is what happens when women let men tell them what they're like just because the men happen to be gay.  If you like glitzies, there's plenty of that here.

Survival of the Dead -- Bet you never thought a George A. Romero "Dead" movie could ever be described as pastoral.  But this one is.  Almost a western, or at least a movie about feudin' families in the Irish countryside.  The zombies themselves serve an interesting purpose, and the social commentary is in full swing.  Let's just pretend that Diary of the Dead never happened and enjoy this and the rest of them.

21 May 2010

Holy Rollers -- Sometimes this movie feels pretty cool.  Other times it just meanders.  It always threatens to become a comedy but never does (though it always looks like one).  Anyway, it's the best movie about Jews since A Serious Man.

MacGruber -- This is okay enough to half-way watch while sitting on the coach eating boiled peanuts, but it doesn't seem like they thought much past the title--and even it was probably only funny to them for about five seconds.  They.  Them.

Shrek Forever After -- This should have been called Shrek 4-Ever After since it's part four, but I guess that would be almost thinking.  Or you could call it The Smell of a Toddler's Fart When It's Just Crapped a Green Turd.

Solitary Man -- Is it cheating if I just write "Whatever"?

14 May 2010

Just Wright -- Just go watch the trailer; it gives you the entire movie in bite-sized scenes.  The movie will just depress you.

Letters To Juliet -- My girlfriend Amanda Seyfried is in so many lame movies that it's making it difficult for me; I keep having to lie to her when she asks how I enjoyed her new one.

Robin Hood -- Will make you miss Errol Flynn, the fox from Disney, the BBC Robin, and even the Kevin Costner version.  Robin the Gladiator.  None of the merry.  Might as well be any hero character, not the best one of all.

7 May 2010

Babies -- If you like babies finely-filmed, your coo-box will explode when you view this one.  Not my cup of stuff, but even I liked it a little bit.

Casino Jack and the United States of Money -- These Bush-based documentaries (the ones where Bush eventually makes his evil cameo) seem kinda quaint and dated now.  This, like most of them, are somewhat informative, but it's hard to take something seriously that's having so much fun with misery.

Iron Man 2 -- More like Iron Men... in the same way that Alien became Aliens... and that doesn't add much (one is more than many, it turns out).  But hey, it's the Iron Man, and the acting is still good (when available) and everything's nice and fun.

Mother and Child -- If Babies wasn't enough for you, here's another.

30 Apr 2010

Furry Vengeance -- At least the CG-ified animals can't talk (though they do make Mogwai noises).

Harry Brown -- Gets the Dirty Harry vigilante nod out of the way with the title, then proceeds to show off Michael Caine in a really cool performance.  Good one.

The Human Centipede -- A horror character that seems to be based on Josef Mengele.  It's got some goofy elements that are likeable, but it also has some typical recent horror elements that are boring.

A Nightmare on Elm Street -- Not bad for a horror remake.  It maintains a quiet style.  It doesn't offer anything new, however, and one may as well just watch Wes Craven.  The Freddy is quieter than the eventual sequel Freddies, but not as interesting.  But his face is more realistically-burned-looking, if that counts for anything.

Please Give -- A comedy about white liberal guilt that's almost annoying as white guilty liberals.

23 Apr 2010

The Back-Up Plan -- [This page has been intentionally left blank.]

The Losers -- Kind of like The A-Team, but for the 90s!

Oceans -- You often can't go wrong with nature films.

16 Apr 2010

The City of Your Final Destination Merchant/Ivory without the Merchant.  It's got their pacing and actors and all the things you like if you like them.

Death at a Funeral -- Neil LaBute does a remake of Frank Oz's 2007 (yes, a remake from three years ago) movie with a black cast.  I liked it.

Exit Through the Gift Shop -- The Stuff White People Like blog will make fun of you for liking Banksy, but this documentary is pretty interesting and funny.  Appropriate style for the subject matter.

The Joneses -- The premise of this movie had potential to become a really good satire on marketing, consumerism, insecurity, and all-around fakeness, but instead the premise is simply used to tell another "unlikely" love story.

Kick-Ass -- Not nearly as good as Defendor or Special, but this DIY superhero premise is more slick than those and made for the age 5-22 crowd.  I won't begrudge anyone enjoying it.

The Perfect Game -- Something about this makes it better than most underdog sports movies featuring little kids and sentiment.

The Secret in Their Eyes -- I only saw it in Spanish, so I couldn't really tell what was going on.  Something about a writer who got frustrated and crumbled up paper.

9 Apr 2010

After.Life -- It feels supernatural, but it's not: you get the best of both worlds.  Ricci hot (drool).  Justin Long is another "boyfriend in horror movie."  Sometimes it feels clever, sometimes stupid.

Date Night -- It's kind of like Mr. and Mrs. Smith if the married couple weren't super-spies, with more comedy.  A good fun kinda movie.

Letters To God -- Cancer Boy writes letters to God; everyman makes a difference.  All that.

The Square -- One of those movies where, about fifty minutes into it, your wife asks you about some plot point and you say, "Eh, I dunno what's going on," not because it's complicated but because you've zoned out.

2 Apr 2010

Clash of the Titans -- The original movie still has a quiet charm, which is something I dare to say is needed in action movies as much as anything else.  You can't feel tension when things are flying on the screen at 300 miles per hour for the entirety of the film.  Anyway, where the 1981 version was the pinnacle of the dying art of stop-animation, this one is smack in the middle of the by-the-numbers sludge of computer animation, making you wish that Jurassic Park had never happened.  So, please: put the Kraken back.

Don McKay -- It's like Raymond Chandler in skankville.

The Last Song -- Maybe the least vomit-inducing of the Nicholas Sparks movies.  Miley Cyrus acts like an actual human being in this movie (in spite of the fact that she still can't speak past her teeth) and you'd never believe Greg Kinnear was the smart-aleck guy from Talk Soup from watching his sweetie-pie performance.  Does it sound like I'm giving this a good review?  Sure, let's say I am.

Warlords -- "Intercepted by..."

Why Did I Get Married Too? -- Why do Tyler Perry movies make me feel like I'm in the 1970s?  Maybe it's Janet Jackson being all serious and Penny-from-Good Times-ish.

26 Mar 2010

Chloe -- Even though it does a lot of what you'd expect from a sexy thriller featuring an "I created a (sex) monster" plot, it's kind of sleek and fun.  And Amanda Seyfried is my girlfriend, so I gotta support her.

The Eclipse -- Boring, but watchable--the ghost stuff punches it up.

Greenberg -- The Graduate Part XXXIV.  But worse!

Hot Tub Time Machine -- It won't get you above a few snickers, but it's okay for watchin' and has both lame and usual observations about the 80s (and movies' versions of the 80s) mixed with some okay jokes about today as compared to the 80s.

How To Train Your Dragon -- Take your kids to see the porn version, How To Drain Your Dragon, instead.

Waking Sleeping Beauty -- A documentary about the Disney company in the mid-80s, when they shifted from lame movies that no one liked to lame and formulaic movies that everyone liked.  Self-congratulatory, but it's really interesting to see all of these semi-famous figures appearing in what are essentially home movies (the "home" here being the studio) and of special interest to those who enjoy learning about the history of animation.

19 Mar 2010

The Bounty Hunter -- This movie will definitely have a sequel within three years.  (There's nothing wrong with it, in spite of itself.)

City Island -- This would be better as a sit-com.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid -- Not bad for kids.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo -- Spoiler alert: she has a dragon tattoo.

IMAX: Hubble 3D -- The blackness of space: in 3D!  (It's basically like one of those planetarium shows.)

Repo Men -- In spite of the fact that it's pretty stupid, rips off Blade Runner in a way that's just annoying, and completely predictable, it's got a certain style that makes you not hate watching it.

The Runaways -- While Twilight is one of the worst movies for girls, this movie (also starring Kristen Stewart) is one of the better ones, demonstrating a safe-n-fun version of grrrl power.  Maybe it will help another group like The Donnas to form.  If we're lucky, though, it will inspire young girls to do something original instead of simply retro.

12 Mar 2010

Green Zone -- When Greg Kinnear shows up it's kinda interesting.  Other than that, it's the millionth sepia-toned middle-eastern movie since Three Kings.

Mother -- For twenty or more minutes, you're waiting for this to become a horror movie.  When it never does, you're a little disappointed, but then that wears off and you realize it's a pretty good Hitchcock-style movie.  A few moments when you're thinking it's one of the better movies you've seen recently.  In memory, however, it fades a little.

Our Family Wedding -- A harmless movie about a black guy marrying a Mexican girl and all the racial hijinks you'd expect from their families.  Word of warning: a decent portion of the movie is also about extremely large goat erections.

Remember Me -- Robert Pattinson shows that he's ugly even without vampire makeup, and Claire from Lost shows that she's still good-looking even when not screaming about her "baiy-baiy."  The movie seems to be about nothing in particular.

She's Out of My League -- Based on the song by Tommy Burton about the myth that girls care much about guys' looks.

5 Mar 2010

Alice in Wonderland -- Does everything wrong.  Misses the point.  Has a "return to Wonderland" plot that makes no sense.  Looks like another generic Tim Burton movie.  And, worst of all, prevents someone real from finally doing a good version of Alice (which hasn't exactly been done yet, though Disney's will do) for another twenty years or so.

Brooklyn's Finest -- Another "He was a cop..." movie.

The Secret of Kells -- Pretty good for a cartoon.  Looks a bit like Samurai Jack or something, but that's better than looking like Disney / Pixar / Dreamworks / etc.

26 Feb 2010

Cop Out -- If it weren't directed by Kevin Smith, there would be little to say.  Since it is directed by Kevin Smith, here's what we gotta say: "At least it's not written by him and starring Jay and Silent Bob."

The Crazies -- Whenever they do a remake, you should take the opportunity to watch the original if you haven't already.

Defendor -- Slip-shod insane superheroes in bad homemade costumes comedies is not a new idea, but this is is maybe the best one there is.  Manages to be funny while retaining what we like about super hero movies (minus what I don't like, which is a layer of glitzy crap).  Worth seeing.

A Prophet -- Grit Burger.

The Yellow Handkerchief -- Two or three actors confuse "southern" with "retarded" and Bella from Twilight tries her best not to twitch as much.

19 Feb 2010

The Ghost Writer -- Roman Polanski's guilty confessional in which he comes clean about the feelings he's been harboring all these years.  Just kidding: it's an average thriller.  Kim Cattrall gets to play a different kind of part than usual.

The Good Guy -- One of those "every guy is a jerk... except maybe this one guy... is he gay?" movies.  Bluh.  Also one of those movies that show New Yorkers being obsessed with themselves.  Blag.

Happy Tears -- Feels like a short story, but with even less going on.  The actors are kinda worth watching.

Shutter Island -- I can't remember what I was going to say.  Something.  I'll think of it soon.  Anyway, I remember that it's smart, but not so smart that it takes away from the thriller-ness; it leaves just enough dumb to be effective.

12 Feb 2010

Beauty and the Beast -- Disney is re-releasing this to theaters in 3-D.  Now you can have bestiality right in the room with you!

My Name Is Khan -- Not bad for Bollywood.

Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief -- Chris Columbus can make a good, entertaining children's movie that adults will also enjoy.  This is one.

Valentine's Day -- Why do dumb romantic comedies also have to pile on the extra burden of being intertwining multi-stories?

The Wolfman -- Too bad this was directed by Joe Johnston instead of Joe Dante.  It pretty much just looks like a movie.  Think Van Helsing with only slightly less stupidity.

5 Feb 2010

Dear John -- Not that I exactly care for Lasse Hallström, but this Nicholas Sparks crap is beneath him.

District 13 -- Ultimatum -- For French guys who like to look at their hairy balls in the mirror.

From Paris with Love -- They pump up John Travolta with some impressive and believable energy, but when he's not doing his stuff, the movie is pretty flat.

Frozen -- At this point in film history, I suppose it's about time for a "fear of ski lifts" movie.

Red Riding: 1974 -- This is the first of a trilogy of movies (all sub-named after the year in which they take place), and it works kind of like a TV show: at first you're not too impressed, but eventually (as each episode goes on) you get a bit caught up in the characters and story.  It's a cool execution of an idea.

29 Jan 2010

Edge of Darkness -- Mel Gibson is in full-blown "Give me back my son!" mode, except this time the son is already dead and he is a daughter who led a very secret life.  In point of fact, it's not much like Ransom at all, but -- like that movie -- it is a pretty good thriller, one that's worth renting.

North Face -- A movie about Nazis and mountain climbing that's not by Leni Reifenstahl.  (It's not too great.)

Saint John of Las Vegas -- Well, it's got Steve Buscemi, Sarah Silverman, Tim Blake Nelson, and even everyone's favorite midget Peter Dinklage, but unfortunately it's just kind of a low-budget-looking (and not in a good way) road trippy type movie that looks like eighth generation Tarantino mixed with sixth generation Office Space.  Or something.  Watch it in mute if you like Sarah Silverman, or fast-forward to her parts.

When in Rome -- This starts off as one of those Sex in the City / girls who blog about stupid crap movies and then turns into a supernatural love movie, which makes it a little better but also just weird and dumb.  I didn't like whassername as Veronica Mars and I certainly don't like her here.

22 Jan 2010

Creation -- Not the excellent biopic on Charles Darwin that one would hope for, but it does okay in getting the ball rolling for maybe a future one.  This focuses mostly on his struggles with religion, etc., which you'd expect.

Extraordinary Measures -- Thanks largely to the actors and some non-sentimental direction, this movie that could have been an annoying "inspirational" movie is okay.

The Girl on a Train -- A semi-interesting story for this one, but this is one of those movies that just goes on and on without really advancing anything.

Legion -- Apparently you can make an entire movie simply using Kai's Power Goo.  This film is... okay?  Watchable?

Tooth Fairy -- It's The Santa Clause for the Tooth Fairy.  Another movie that teaches parents that the worst thing they can do is tell their kid that something doesn't exist even if it actually doesn't.  Anyway, it's fine enough for children.

To Save a Life -- This begins with the dumb premise that when someone commits suicide, it's partially your fault if you didn't pay them enough attention.  But after that, it's actually a decent movie for teenagers about the nature of being cool and the nature of being a jerk and of being a real human.  It's one of those "faith-based" movies, but that doesn't get in the way too much.

15 Jan 2010

The Book of Eli -- Kinda cool in that Hughes Brothers sort of way, and it's nicely ambiguous about its use of the Bible as a tool for destruction/redemption.  In spite of all that, though, I didn't care for it.

Chance Pe Dance -- Something about dancing.

Fish Tank -- British people wearing tank-tops and no shirt.

The Spy Next Door -- If you have a little kid who hasn't seen a spy (or some other dangerous profession) taking care of kids movie yet, this is a decent place to start (and finish, since they're all the same).

8 Jan 2010

Bitch Slap -- I thought exploitation movies were supposed to be fun.

Crazy on the Outside -- Tim Allen stars and directs in this Tim Allen movie about Tim Allen.

Daybreakers -- Vampires running out of human blood to sustain them is the newest metaphor.  This has a cast of good people, but it may as well not.

Leap Year -- I think Amy Adams was that girl who sat next to me in college who was always worried about something or other.  I hated that girl.

Wonderful World -- One of those charming, quiet, boring, annoying movies.

Youth in Revolt -- A Michael Cera showcase (he even gets to play two characters--sort of), which is a good thing.  The movie itself is a little tepid, but he's fun to watch.  Worth a rental.

1 Jan 2010

The Loss of a Teardrop Diamond -- This is from a "lost" Tennessee Williams screenplay, and it seems more like a parody of a Tennessee Williams work.  Everyone uses Gone with the Wind accents like they're in high school or on Quantum Leap.  Nothing to see here.

The White Ribbon -- Michael Haneke doesn't seem to be wanting to teach or talk down to us as much for this movie.  Instead, it looks like he's trying to make an "instant classic" using specific kinds of styles and subject matters, and the trick more or less works.