My 25 Least Favorite Movies 1. Pink
Flamingoes Sean Sloan’s Commentary 1. Pink Flamingos (1972, John Waters) -- Everybody thinks John Waters is so cute with Hairspray and Crybaby and Serial Mom, etc. This one’s got Divine; two people who have sex with a chicken between them and the chicken dies; a shot of a guy jerking off in his hand, sucking it up with a turkey baster, and injecting it into a chained-up girl’s vagina; a guy who can turn his bunghole inside out; a mother who performs oral on her son after they lick some people’s furniture to "spread their filth"; a 300 lb. grandmother who is in love with the egg delivery man and sits in a playpen in her underwear; a flasher with a piece of meat tied to his johnson; and, oh yeah, Divine eats some doggie doo in the end. This one’s got it all! The Best Worst Movie out there… 2. Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (1978, Michael Schultz) -- Let’s take a Beatles LP (and a bunch of Beatle songs we’ll make live characters out of) and turn it into a movie with The Bee Gees, Peter Frampton, Billy Preston, Steve Martin, Alice Cooper, Aerosmith, and George Burns. What a great idea! 3. Day Of The Dolphin (1973, Mike Nichols) -- You have to read my regular review about dolphins that are trained to talk and trained to assassinate the President. Downright terrible! 4. Forrest Gump (1994, Robert Zemeckis) -- Oh no, not this one. I truly hate this film. It is just B-A-D. I don’t understand how people can like Tom Hanks playing a retard. I guess the Academy for one. The plot is so improbable that it has to be a joke. That’s the point, right? How could this guy be at every major cultural event from 1963 to 1969? The only thing better would have been if they had superimposed Gump walking on the moon with Neil Armstrong. I can’t even take two minutes of this film. The catch phrases like "Run, Forrest, run," "Momma always said life is like a box of chocolates," "Jen-ny!" and "Stupid is as stupid does" all make my stomach hurt. Well, stupid is as stupid watches this film. 5. Cast Away (2000, Robert Zemeckis) – Two Hanks and Zemeckis films in the top five! Amazing, isn’t it? I don’t know how to express my dislike and hatred for this film. I just hate it, that’s all. It is not good. It is nauseating. It has a terrible plot. Terrible acting (and that includes Wilson). The drama is over the top and uncalled for. You mean that stupid idiot would have spent all that time on the island and never opened that box with the wings on it? C’mon. I would have ripped into it first day! The film sucks, get over it people. 6. Armageddon (1996, Michael Bay) -- One of the worst pieces of poop ever put onto celluloid. This time it stars a giant asteroid trying to destroy the Earth. Billy Bob Thornton trains a bunch of oil rig drillers to be astronauts and fly up to the asteroid, land two Space Shuttles on it, drill a giant hole in it, drop a nuke in it, blow it up, and go home. Sounds pretty good, right? Well, the crew is the most unbelievable bunch of oil-rig workers in the world (Willis, Affleck, Buscemi, O. Wilson, etc.). It has the sappiest final ten minutes of probably any action movie ever (Bruce and Affleck cry!). And, that crap song by Aerosmith, well that pushes it over the top. 7. Leprechaun (1993, Mark Jones) -- A wonderful film about the little fella guarding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. The one liners from the Leprechaun wear thin about a few minutes into the film. Jennifer Aniston should be ashamed of herself. I cannot say that the three sequels qualify as bad movies because I’ve never seen them. But I’m sure they are. Really, a film like Leprechaun in the Hood can’t be Academy Award material, can it? 8. Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959, Ed Wood) -- Was this supposed to be bad? I mean, come on! Didn’t Ed Wood know it was bad when he was making it? He can’t have imagined it would actually turn out good, did he? 9. Roadie (1980, Alan Rudolph) -- Noby put up a great review of this one. Meat Loaf, Hank Williams Jr., Roy Orbison, Blondie, Asleep At The Wheel, Alice Cooper… Priceless. 10. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999, George Lucas) -- I sat on my fat candy ass for fourteen years and came up with this dreadful script. Then I hired the worst kid actor to play the central role in the story. And I created an annoying alien character that was so bad I had to cut him out of the sequel. Oh yeah, I also decided to come out of retirement and direct for the first time since 1977. What was I thinking? Well, I’ll make up for it with the next two. 11. Showgirls (1995, Paul Verhoven) -- I just can’t think of anything rude to say about this one, so I’ll talk about it’s contemporary competitor. 12. Striptease (1996, Andrew Bergman) -- This piece of trash stars Demi Moore as a single mother who happens to be a stripper (oh sorry: dancer) who gets tangled up with a crazy congressman who is in love with her. All the while, she is trying very hard to provide a good life for her real-life ugly daughter. The very best scene is Congressman Burt Reynolds dressed in a black leather vest, his boxers and black cowboy boots all glistening with Vaseline while he is sniffing Demi’s dryer lint to smell her "essence." This one is a classic, not to be missed. 13. Little Shop of Horrors (1986, Frank Oz) -- Yoda should be taken out and beaten to death for this one. Not many of you know this, but I HATE HATE HATE HATE Rick Moranis. I hate him worse than Nicholas Cage. They take a low-grade B-movie horror film from 1960 and turn it into a musical. Are they serious? Stick in the terrible Rick Moranis, throw in a few bit parts from Steve Martin, Chris Guest, and Bill Murray and you’ve got a gem. The plant sings! What could be better than this? 14. Smokey and the Bandit II (1980, Hal Needham) -- What is the deal with Dom DeLuise and the elephant? Could they just make The Bandit any more of a pussy? The first film was cool, the car was bad-ass, and Jerry Reed is a great sidekick, but really was this film necessary? 15. Superman III (1983, Richard Lester) -- Probably Dick’s worst film. This one has the Man of Steel and Richard Pryor going against a supercomputer. After the spectacular Superman II, how could the writers come up with this? It makes you realize how necessary Lex Luthor really is. 16. Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle (2003, McG) -- A bit of advice: NEVER EVER TRUST A FILM DIRECTED BY A GUY NAMED "McG." I can see why Rusty is blinded by the T&A. It is nice. But that doesn’t make up for a lousy plot, crappy acting, and the worst fight scenes ever. The end fight with Demi and the car flipping over and all of that BS is pretty bad. Enough of this slo-mo / 360 camera spin fight scene garbage. This sequel makes the first film look sort of OK. 17. The Savage Bees (1976, Bruce Geller) -- This TV movie stinker holds a certain place in my heart because of the involvement with my hometown. But it does suck. Apparently, there are a whole bunch of killer bees descending on N.O. When, you may ask? Could it be Mardi Gras? Of course, isn’t it obvious? So the general population has no idea, but the local authorities find a few dead birds and a few attacks by the African killer bees. The local scientists concur that the bees like the color red and are attracted to noise. So they somehow get the bees to attach themselves to a red VW bug and they drive it from the outskirts of town to the 50 yard line in the brand new Superdome where they turn the air conditioning down and freeze the bees to death. I’m not kidding. I have it on tape if you want to see it. 18. Titanic (1997, James Cameron) -- Yes, I saw this one in the theater. Yes, I enjoyed the cool underwater footage of the sunken ship. Yes, I should have just watched a documentary about it at home. I think what made me start hating this film was when everybody started using that scene where they stand on the bow of the boat and scream "I’m the king of the world!" with the wind whipping on their face in every other thing. Leonardo DiCaprio is not a good actor. Neither is Kate Winslet. At least she is nice to look at. The movie, however, is not. 19. Speed (1994, Jan De Bont) -- Yeah, I know how everybody jokes about how bad of an actor Keanu is. I’m not going to here. I just want to say that I do hate this film. It really isn’t any good. Dennis Hopper has played this role before (and after). The script is pretty lame. A guy is going to blow up a bus if it goes below 55 mph. So, Keanu and the equally-bad Sandra Bullock have to figure out how to get it to not blow up. Cute, huh? 20. I’m Bout It (1997, Moon Jones / Master P) -- This direct-to-video masterpiece from the No Limit gang is so downright bad it is good. I watched about half of this and couldn’t stop laughing. Um, I don’t think it is supposed to be funny though. The best scene is where the grandmother from 227 (Helen Martin) gets all high on some good weed and tells somebody who is messing with her that she is going to cut them up. It’s priceless. The direction, script, and camera angles all look like it was put together by a third grader. Oops, wait! That’s Master P. 21. Soul Man (1986, Steve Miner) -- C. Thomas Howell, one of the whitest dudes around, takes a whole bunch of tanning pills so that he can turn black and get the last scholarship available for Harvard. The catch is, the scholarship is only for African-Americans. Along the way, he amazingly convinces everyone he is black. He falls in love with Rae Dawn Chong, who is only part black and is the girl he swiped the scholarship from. Can anyone see the problem with this premise? 22. Just One Of The Guys (1985, Lisa Gottlieb) -- This piece of junk involves a girl who enters an essay contest and goes undercover at another school posing as a boy in order to write a winner. Too bad the writers of the movie didn’t follow their own advice. Along the way, she somehow convinces everyone she is a boy named Terri and narrowly avoids being caught in the usual way you would in high school… Boys bathrooms, locker rooms at PE, etc. If you can figure out the plot, she falls in love with a guy she befriends and tells him the truth at the school dance. Of course, he hates her at first, and then realizes he loves her too. Blah blah blah. This one sucks. 23. Transylvania 6-5000 (1985, Rudy De Luca) -- Ugh! This one is so bad, I barely remember it. Jeff Goldblum and Ed Begley Jr., of all people, are reporters and they go to Transylvania to investigate the reappearance of Frankenstein and whatnot. The cast list is most impressive. Joseph Bologna, Carol Kane, Geena Davis, Jeffrey Jones, Michael Richards, and even Norman Fell. I don’t even remember Mr. Roper in this one, but I can’t stomach it again to check into this. 24. A Fine Mess (1986, Blake Edwards) -- This is one I can’t stand! Blake should be ashamed of himself for this one. He should have read the title and taken heed. Ted Danson and Howie Mandel discover some plot to fix a horse race. The only scene I remember is Richard Mulligan holding some giant dildo-looking thing which they shove up the horse’s ass in order to give it some type of steroid to win the race. Just not funny! 25. Xanadu (1980, Robert Greenwald) -- This is a stinker. Disco, roller skating, Olivia Newton-John and Gene Kelly. The only thing that can somewhat save this is ELO. At least they are kind of cool. But they do get points docked for being involved in this garbage. One of those films that you can only stomach once. |
Copyright © 13 Oct
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